Lost
by Fire Dancer1
Summary: Luka and Abby, during Foreign Affairs. Second part uploaded: Luka's POV.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Lost

Author: Kate

Summary: A short Abby monologue, during Foreign Affairs.  Luby.

Rating: G

Disclaimer: I don't own them.  But if anyone ever wants to give me a hug like that, I'll claim it.

~*~

Everything is moving in slow motion, and I'm speechless, his words echoing through my mind. "I'm going to the Congo." I think I never actually expected him to go, and I'm filled with this irreparable sense of loss, as if he's already gone. As if I've already lost him.  
  
Which, of course, I have. I lost him long ago, when I was too wrapped up in my own problems to notice his. I lost him when I was too busy feeling upstaged by a ghost I should have never worried about in the first place. I lost him when I passively accepted him handing me over to another man. Why I'm just now realizing what exactly I've lost is beyond me.  
  
He's looking at me strangely, and then suddenly he smiles. A genuine smile, I'm surprised to see, but a sad one. I think I know before he does that he'll reach for me, and I step into his embrace almost automatically, almost before he offers it.  
  
I'm surprised to find that I still fit perfectly. I'd forgotten how big he _feels_. I have never known a man who can so completely envelop me like he can. I close my eyes and breathe deeply, pressing my ear against his shoulder where I can hear his heart beating. I am mesmerized for a moment as memories wash over me, unbidden.  
  
Suddenly, it – _he – becomes too much. I don't want to – no, I __shouldn't – be feeling this. I feel my forehead crinkle as I desperately try to hold back tears. Pulling back quickly, I can't look at him right away. My voice catches against my will as I plead, "Take care of yourself." Then I look at him, straight in the eyes, and he's smiling his sad smile for me again. "I mean it," I emphasize, almost desperately.  
  
I don't comprehend whatever else he's said to me. "Hold down the fort," but I don't know how I will do that without him. And already I'm missing his arms around me. The warmth from his touch still lingers on my back but I feel myself beginning to get cold. __This is ridiculous, I try to tell myself, but he's looking at me, smiling and preparing to leave and this feels anything but ridiculous.  
  
And all too soon, he's gone. The door swings shut behind him and I'm left alone again._


	2. Chapter 2

Author: Kate

Summary: A companion piece/sequel/second chapter to "Lost," this time from Luka's POV.

Rating: G

Disclaimer: See part 1.  I still don't own them.

~*~

I didn't think it would be this hard to tell her.  But when she says she'll see me tomorrow, I'm suddenly filled with this desperate need to protect her.  From what, I don't know.  And I choke a bit on the words as I tell her I'm going to the Congo.

Her face immediately changes.  I read a progression of disbelief, anger, resignation, worry, and grief – yes, grief – pass over her features.  My first, almost automatic, response is to smile.  I need to reassure her, to be the strong one.  _Come on, don't worry, I'll be back.  But I can't say the words because, honestly, I don't know._

And then, almost before I know what is happening, we're moving towards each other.  My arms open and she steps into them, folding herself up in me.  I'm surprised for a moment, then just let myself feel.

She fits.  She always has, but somehow now, after months of no contact, this embrace seems to fall into place more perfectly than our others ever did.  I feel her body relax in my arms and I close my eyes, dipping my head closer to her shoulder.

I vaguely feel us rocking back and forth slowly and I tighten my arms around her.  Breathing in her scent that I thought I'd forgotten, I think for a fleeting moment that if she asks me to stay, I will.  It's magnetic, this power she holds over me.

And then, as quickly as the embrace began, she pulls away.  She's looking down, so I can only tell by the catch in her voice that she's struggling against tears.  "Take care of yourself."  _So she won't ask me to stay._  I'm surprised to find myself disappointed, but by the time she lifts her eyes to mine, I'm smiling again.  "I mean it," she insists, not seeming to believe my smile.

My arms are too empty.  Is that how quickly I could get used to her again – a matter of seconds?  My mind rushes for something to say, and I briefly consider a mix-up of an American expression.  I know that would make her smile.  But somehow, humor would spoil this moment, whatever kind of moment it is.  "Hold down the fort," I tell her, and she looks at me blankly.  I pause, hoping for one word from her, one word that will make me stay.

Finally, it's all I can do to turn away from her pained eyes.  It takes every bit of my strength to walk out the door, away from the only one who can fill my arms completely.


End file.
